Welcome home, Diaspora. Welcome home.
Hello and welcome to OCF, or Orthodox College Fellowship! As your OCF Chapter President, I, Angus (“Pantaleimon — I’m pre-med”) Sangiovese, thought I should give you a few tips for the upcoming year. Please read this carefully, as it is compiled based on the experience of myself and the other OCF members.
1. “I had to write a paper” won’t fly with your priest.
2. “I had a church service” won’t fly with your prof.
3. Neither “I skipped church” nor “I got a C-” will fly with Yiayia.
4. When Paul said, “Therefore let us not sleep, as do the rest, but let us watch and be sober” (1 Thes. 5:6), he wasn’t speaking in favor of all-nighters.
5. Your priest can’t give you a blessing for underage drinking just because you’ve been sipping vodka since Pascha 1999. Tikhon already asked.
6. Give glory to God in all things. Including that pop quiz in your 8:00 am bio class. (McNab schedules them for every other Thursday. Schaeffer prefers Tuesdays but is somewhat less regular.)
7. Sometimes, you have to break the fast. However, bacon is not an acceptable option.
8. Some rules haven’t changed since kindergarten: When in doubt, call Yiayia.
9. “So, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God.” (1 Cor 10:31)
Remember that your fellow OCF members are available at all hours of the day and night if you get in a pickle. The student vegan association has granola bars for sale in the student lounge for $1, and don’t drink the coffee in the administrative building. Don’t ask.
Love in Christ,
Angus and your fellow OCFers
This report filed by Terce Reporter Brigid Strait, and it is late because her alarm didn’t go off. Don’t worry, FutureBabushka has already beaten her with a cane.
Bishop Investigates Robot Hysteria
Bishop Vladikos of Southern North Dakota reports that he’s gotten to the bottom of a mystery. Continue reading
Jobless journalist Thomas Ruthford’s first book, Heaven Help the Single Christian, is now available from Regina Orthodox Press. We’ve loved Thomas’s tales of romantic woe since The Old Country, and the book is made up of the best of the best plus some new stuff. You should have a copy. Your single best friend from college needs one. And you can’t forget your parish library!
And, it’s currently on sale.
I cannot praise Fr. Vasiliy, or Our Intrepid Editor, enough.
Nor can I think of a better gift for picky mothers-in-law, best friends, or your priest. Or you. This is the perfect gift for you.
Is Outrage! is also currently on sale here.
10. “But Father, I stayed up so late reading Akathists I slept through my alarm….”
9. Your bedroom is so cold you’re not leaving unless the down comforter comes with you, and the priest reprimanded you the last time you showed up in nothing but a blanket and a headscarf.
8. You were craving bacon so badly you didn’t think you could make it through the service.
7. “All my church-appropriate clothing was in the laundry.”
6. You didn’t have any gas money left after paying the Orthodox Youth Conference fee.
5. You couldn’t get last night’s make-up off, and you wouldn’t dare face Baba like this.
4. You procrastinated on a paper due Monday morning and are frantically doing it now.
2. “I was on my way out the door when I sat down to read a webcomic…”
1. The dog ate your prayer rope.
This article filed by Terce reporter Brigid Strait.
To read the story of The Monkles (no, Pavel is not dead), please see Your Intrepid Editor’s blog.
Here’s an excerpt:
The Perfect Priest preaches exactly 10 minutes. He condemns sin roundly, but never hurts anyone’s feelings. He works from 8:00 a.m. until midnight, and is also the church’s janitor.
*The Perfect Presbytera is very articulate. She never says a word at church meetings. She has a full-time, high-paying career, and home schools at least 3 kids. She never misses a church service, fundraiser or social event.
For the rest, see Good Guys Wear Black.